Do One Thing
When I was the hellish throes of sex and love addiction, I could not find any therapist out there that seemed to truly understand what I was experiencing and how to help me. As I’ve said many times, there are people who specialize in love addiction, but most of them use what is considered - unfortunately, in my mind - the gold standard for treatment, which is the same step program approach used in SLAA. I never found this approach helpful. I always want to be careful when I say this because I do believe there is some value in the SLAA process, particularly in how it provides community and a sense of togetherness. This is so important because we sex and love addicts feel so crippled and like there is something inherently wrong with us. It’s incredibly valuable to learn you aren’t alone in it. That said, the step-approach begins with assumptions about the definition of sex and love addiction that are extremely limited, and therefore it doesn’t truly get at deeper transformation.
As I write all of that, it occurs to me that if you can’t find a therapist that feels right for you, and you do just one thing - which is this article’s subject matter - joining a SLAA group that feels good is a great ‘one thing’ because of the community it will provide.
Alternatively, though, I would argue that if you do just one thing, it would be to build a massive amount of self-awareness and insight about how your sex and love addiction works in your life. This process involves researching as much as you can about what sex and love addiction is and what it isn’t (may I suggest my book Crazy for You), building meta-cognition, i.e., the practice of being able to observe your thoughts and emotions, and staying as connected as possible, moment-by-moment, to that meta-cognition. Study how your sex and love addiction shows up in your life. Identify the spots where it interferes and leads you to bad behavior or bad choices, and notice what beliefs you have about yourself in those moments that lead you in those bad directions. Log these insights. Journal about them. Expand your self-awareness. You’ll find that you won’t be able to continue to accept as easily some of the ways you’ve been sabotaging yourself.
Amid this sort of practice, you’re also training your mind to stay self-focused, to take responsibility for how your love life is going, to stop blaming the other person or waiting for them to change in some way. Go ahead and vent to your friends. Of course! Who doesn’t love a good complaining sess among supportive friends. But using this practice of self-awareness, don’t let your friends try to convince you that “you deserve so much better,” or “he’s the problem, not you,” or “you’ll find someone worthy of you.” These are common, supportive-friend things to say, but they are not helpful and at the core of your situation, they aren’t true. What’s more true is that you’re drawn to a certain type of person because that person is providing you with the opportunity to learn to do things differently, to learn that only you have the power to make yourself feel worthwhile, lovable, good enough, or not. And that in relationship to that person, you have the opportunity to learn how to do that. Teach your friends about your sex and love addiction. Ask them to help you uncover how you keep sabotaging your own growth in learning to love yourself and others. Ask them to help you look for and accept nuances, e.g., maybe you want a relationship that looks different from what other people want.
This kind of self-awareness is the key. Everything else that you will do generates from that self-reflection. And I should add: Self-awareness must always be done with self-compassion and kindness and without judgment. Life is hard. Don’t get down on yourself for messing up thus far or for not being perfect. Send yourself love for what you’ve endured, and send yourself love for still trying. Without that self-compassion, none of this will make much of a difference. If you struggle with self-compassion, try this mindfulness exercise at least once a day:
Get comfortable - you’re welcome even to lie down
Close your eyes or hold your eyes softly so they aren’t looking at anything in particular
Notice your breathing. Just observe it. Don’t try to control it. Simply notice it in your body, how it moves in your chest and tummy, up and down from your nose and mouth to your diaphragm. Observe without control.
Visualize yourself somewhere beautiful and peaceful, such as a beach or a forest. See yourself there, as well as experience yourself there. You are both inside yourself and observing yourself.
Imagine a huge ball of pink light and energy coming down from the sky, floating down like petals from a tree, slowly, slowly, until the ball reaches you and spreads over you as though it is warm liquid. It completely saturates every part of you, comforting you, warming you, filling you. This is love. Stay here for a minute or so.
When you are ready come back to your breathing. Again just observe without control.
When you are ready, open your eyes and come back to the room.